Unexpected Changes

Last Saturday before returning home, I visited my dad and gave him a couple big hugs before leaving.  I had the sense that I would probably not see him again as he is very thin and I had no plans of returning until after the first of the year.at the earliest.  He now resides in the home of others (relatives) so has them to care for his immediate needs.  I left with the understanding however, that I would still be handling his financial affairs in order to maintain cohesiveness, through the end of the year, so that all records for his tax filing would be in one place and could be submitted without difficulty.

In the last couple days, things seem to have gone awry and I was entirely excluded from any input or communications.  My dad had a psychotic medical event after taking too many Mirapex pills (for restless leg), or possibly from some other cerebral malfunction.  I found out only after receiving an email notification from his doctor's office of that day's treatment.  I tried to reach him and others to no avail.  I had also attempted to check his online banking and was locked out.  Hmmmm, I says.

Long story short, out-of-the-blue, his brother has taken over all things by way of a new Power of Attorney that supercedes any and all prior ones...namely mine.  It does not set well with me that this was done in what I perceive to be an underhanded manner without even notifying me, and as someone who automatically does not trust others until they are proven trustworthy, I cannot say I fully trust my uncle.  He insists my dad initiated this.  I'm not so sure.  Regardless, it is all out of my hands, and for the present, I will give the benefit of the doubt and provide to my uncle whatever information he needs to care for my dad.  He said he would stay in touch.  My dad has lost his cell phone.

One bright note, my dad is no longer allowed to drive, so I don't have to worry about him causing bodily harm to himself or others.  My (step)sister says that the keys have been hidden...and one set is locked in his pickup at his brothers, his own accidental doing, hehe.

God is still, and will always be, on His throne.  We will all stand before Him one day and give an account.

Summer Hiatus

Well, not only is today Father's Day, but it is the first day of summer.  Out here on the west coast, it's hot and it's dry.  I don't like hot, and I don't like dry, but I can do nothing about either, nor can I move elsewhere, so guess I'll just continue to put up with what it is.

And speaking of what it is, 'it' is not at all good, but I'm trying to accept that this is God's will as an answer to the dilemma about dealing with my dad.  I may have mentioned that he has some dementia, but has largely been able to live on his own and take care of his general daily needs.  I have been taking care of his finances keeping him fully informed as well as keeping tabs on his medical events.

Unfortunately, he has chosen to not listen to the only two people (my sister and I) who actually care about his personal welfare and making sure his assets, what little he has, were protected in the event he needed long-term care.  We did not feel the need for him to be under conservatorship as he was trying to stay within his limitations and those who have never spent 24/7 time with him would not necessarily recognize him as being anything other than a little forgetful and he can be quite hostile to authority and any attempt to remove ANY control from his life.  He did recognize/self-justify that he needed the assistance I have given though by saying "I could do it, I just hate paperwork.".  A couple weeks ago, without telling me or consulting me or my sister, he put his house up for sale and it sold in two days.  He has already moved all his belongings out, and moved them into the home of his ex-wife (to whom he was married when he and my mom met and who divorced him in 1956) and their oldest daughter.  To date, he has given them a very large sum towards their debt.  When I found that out, I got upset with him and emotionally lost my cool.  In that conversation I said something I perhaps should not have, and in his dementia-mind, he took it as a (financial) threat and I believe that is the basis for his current actions of not calling and not letting me know what's going on or has been done already.  He will likely use the entire proceeds from the house sale to pay more of their debt yet it will not be enough, and he will have no resources beyond his SSI for his own care.  And, after giving them this money, he says he will still be paying her rent/helping with the monthly expenses.  He thinks she's going to (re)marry him. 

I will be driving north towards the end of this week.  I am not looking forward to many aspects of it, especially those dealing with this situation and the confrontations that are likely to ensue.  The brother who stopped speaking with me at my mom's death, is still spreading lies and false accusations. Another brother, the one who "claims" the treadle machine I brought here for safe-keeping has decided he wants that taken to an uncle's in the home town.  I could argue with him about it that my dad did give it to me, but I know my mom 'promised' it to this brother, even though it was not hers to promise.  But that's how my mom did things.  Within the family dynamic is a LOT of distrust, bitterness, resentment, frustration, lies and half-truths, and rejection.  I'm personally fighting some of those old feelings that have again cropped up after having put them to rest as I grew in Christ.  God's word says to 'train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it'.  There's a grain in that which could mean that however a child is raised, is how he will be in his life...we learned all these sins quite well as children, and only the Lord can give us the strength to 'put off' the things of evil and 'put on' righteousness, love and kindness.  My siblings do not share the faith in Christ that I have.

While I'm gone, since my dad's house is no longer available, I will be staying at my Aunt Irene's and will have less time on the computer.  That's not a bad thing really.  She and I will be going to quilt camp July 8 - 12, and I'm really hoping it will not be as hot as last year, but that's looking doubtful.  By the time I get to my Oregon destination, it's projected to be 100°F.  I will be in Oregon possibly through the 8th of August.  But then, I will be home.  Once and for all, and if what I expect to happens does, without responsibilities beyond my own to myself, my husband and my son.  I just hope I don't go through another extended bout of depression and grief as I did during these last four months at home.

Should things go the way I'm expecting they will (not by my choice) with my dad, my helping him will be rejected and changed to someone else, and my frequent trips will come to a stop.  This is not the route I would have chosen for my dad, but it does answer prayer.  When I've been gone, I've constantly worried that he could fall and be injured where he can't get to the phone or that he would die only to be found by my sister when she goes to his place on the weekends, which would be really awful for her even moreso than anyone else.  He no longer calls me, and I have not been able to reach him yet today to wish him a happy Father's Day though I had sent a card early in the week.

All of that to say, I'm taking a break from my blogs until I return and then get 'caught up' and rested.  If I really have an urge or notable event, I may slip a short (when have I ever done short?) post in, but if not, I pray everyone remains safe throughout the summer, and may your summer be blessed.  And if you're a prayer warrior, I would be ever so grateful for your prayers, especially those needed to behave and speak in a way that honors God and reflects Christ to my unregenerate family.
 

Surgery Update

On Thursday, I took my dad to the hospital for his surgery.  Yes, finally, it was scheduled and happened!  What an ordeal trying to get it set up these past many months...and it shouldn't have been that way.  

A year and 10 month's ago, my dad had a cervical fusion involving the C-level vertebrae.  During that surgery, the surgeon implanted hardware - kind of like wedge-shaped spacers - between the vertebrae and then put plates over the fronts of them (anterially - front of neck side).  With the lower of the three, surgeon #1 left jutting out about an inch saying that he couldn't insert it fully due to bone spurs and proximity to the spinal cord, so with that in essence it was like having a big speed bump in my dad's throat, which obviously would be both uncomfortable and create some swallowing difficulties.  This, coupled with his dysphagia swallowing difficulties and choking issues created a rather burdensome situation for him.

The original doctor left town for back east "due to family emergencies"....well, I'm not so sure, but he isn't here, so we found a new surgeon and my dad really likes him too, though it is a further drive to that hospital as it's not here in his town.  So back to the surgery, Dad was scheduled for 2:15, but didn't get wheeled in until close to 4:30 - yep, a long delay - but it did happen.  The surgery lasted about two hours, during which time I drove the 45 minutes back to the house to eat as I'd only had breakfast, tend to the cats, and pick up my cell phone and make some calls.  Yeah, I'd forgotten my cell phone at the house that morning so couldn't keep anyone informed other than a few via my laptop, which I remembered.  I got back to the hospital about 10-15 minutes after the surgery was finished, and after missing the surgeon's call as I didn't answer my phone while driving - no bluetooth, I'm so behind the times - and it was a couple more hours before my dad was put in his room.

The surgery was 'successful' in that the surgeon was able to remove the offending piece of hardware and did not have to put a new one in as the neck was now fused at those vertebrae (a good thing medically) but the surgeon was a bit stymied as to why surgeon #1 did the original surgery in the first place - he said he saw no need from what he could ascertain via the records and from his exploration during the surgery.  He also removed a lot of the bone spur growth and I'm hoping that will help relieve some of the arthritic pain he feels.  We knew going in that this wasn't being done to relieve pain, but to give him better comfort from a swallowing standpoint.

It took four hours to get him released from the hospital yesterday (my only complaint) after the doctor did his morning rounds and pronounced all was well and good.  He has few restrictions which is good, he's a very non-compliant patient, he slept very little last night he said - not surprised as he sleeps very little usually but with, I'm sure, still having certain drugs in him from the surgery, it increased his hyper-ness rather than the reverse. He has also, up until the last hour or so, talked incessantly in a rather Marlon Brando-ish whisper (think The Godfather).  He's walked to the store - in the rain, worked busily in the garage for hours after getting home, with flashlight in hand went slug-hunting in the back yard last night, and is working on his very rustic leather projects.  

With the surgery going well, and his not needing a great deal of after-care, I see no reason why I can't go home on Nov. 10th as planned, and I pray I can stay home until after the first of the year.  One day at a time though.

Catching Up

Here I am, eight days after my last posting on either of my blogs.  It's Memorial Day, and it's a beautiful day here in the Northwest with low-70 degree temps and partly cloudy skies, the kind that make you want to lay out in a hammock and find object-shapes in them.  Yesterday, my sister said one of them looked like an airplane and I found myself actually looking for the airplane she was talking about until she said 'in the clouds' - well, isn't that where airplanes are anyway?  She of course, saw an "airplane-shaped cloud" and it did look like one but rather cartoonish in style.  Fun anyway!

Lovely peonies

Let's see, what have I been up to for the past week plus since my last post? I traveled north of course and that was a 13 1/2 hour trip making only three stops for gas and using those same stops as my restroom breaks and for grabbing something to eat.  They were quick stops; I wasn't wasting time on the road!  The drive went quickly and after arriving back at my Dad's, the next few hours also went by in a flash and before I knew it, it was time to get to bed.

I love these rust irises, though they really look brown in the house.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that my Dad actually looked better, though he was still complaining about his health and weight loss (he's gained back about 10 pounds though he doesn't think so - but I saw the scales!).  I have my own opinions on the causes for his current health issues! 

My dad dozing off on the sofa - probably not the best picture

While glad to see him looking so good, I was a bit irritated that I left home at least two weeks earlier than planned because over the phone it sounded like he needed some medical attention (non-life-threatening) sooner than later.  It was not the case and we won't be seeing the doctor until tomorrow. 

Since I've been back here, I've been fighting a tension of complete inner irritability yet requiring the need to display abundant outward grace and patience along with trying to explain (from my better reasoning abilities) what may be causing some of his problems over the last few months.  Remember, my mom passed away and they had "taken care of" each other for 56 years.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is his retelling of stories from his younger years and the 'escapades' of himself and people he knew; stories of a nature that should not be spoken of nor heard about once, let alone frequently!  Trying to tell him he's already told me that story hasn't worked.  Having known him for 78 58 (edited) of his near-81 years, I also know it would do no good to tell him I just do not want to hear them because he'd conveniently forget my request or tell them even more often! 

Another beautiful iris

Lest I give the impression that he's an ogre, he is not, he just doesn't have very good 'filters'.  He can be quite congenial and quite generous and sweet.  When I arrived, he had walked over to the Chinese food place and brought back dinner - he was walking in as I was driving in.  He had also gone out during the day and picked, not one, but TWO vases of flowers for me and had one in the dining area and one in my bedroom.  He has highly complimented me to others on my efforts at helping him with his financial affairs and working towards getting his medical needs squared away and recognizes how all of this takes me away from my husband and son and the responsibilities of my own home.

Vase 1: Rose, lily, peony

Vase 2: peony, pansy, rose, lily, clematis, and that purple flower (if you know what it is, please tell me) delphiniums.

I spoke privately with my Dad's general doctor.  I can't say as he enlightened me of anything I haven't already recognized.  I've not yet met the doctor he we will be seeing tomorrow, and after reviewing the medical files here at the house, I'm not sure he's going to give us any new insights either, but at least I will be there, taking notes, with eyes, ears and mind fully intact. ;)

This morning, I went along with my aunt, uncle and cousin to visit a cemetery while she put flowers on some graves.  Though Memorial Day originated from a day of remembering soldiers who died during a war, it seems it has morphed into a day of remembrance in general of those who are no longer with us whether they were in the military or not, and many others even see it as a day to honor those in the military still living on this day, perhaps confusing Veterans and Memorial days.  Regardless of how one sees this day, I enjoyed going with family members to remember those who are gone and those we miss.

The headstone image above is not known to be that of any relative, although within one married-in branch of the family, there is the name Pankratz.  Perhaps that's why I took a photo of it, just in case it ultimately does show up connecting to that family.

I went to a local RV show yesterday with my sister.  I wanted to see just what might be available for Marty should we reach the plan I've thought of with eventually moving here to the Northwest and having him take off to his favorite photo-op locales for weeks or months at a time - I'll stay home and quilt, work on genealogy, spend time with family and enjoy four real seasons!

Last night I had dinner at Wendy's with my Aunt Irene & Uncle Lloyd, my Uncle Carl and Aunt Claire, my cousin Dale and his wife & son.  Uncle Carl brought a few old coins to show as my cousin's 11-year old son has taken an interest in coin collecting.

1847 silver dollar

My uncle acquired the coin from my Grandma Freda's estate back in 1986.

Winding Down

Round One of my time here in the wet land of the north is winding down.  It is of course, bittersweet.  

I still find it hard to believe that my Mom is gone from this world, but her memory - good and bad - will live on.  

It's been nearly a week since she left and in that time, I've been coming alongside my dad in getting him, at least for now, familiar with his financial picture.  He has little to work with, but as long as he controls his spending and can remember to set aside the monies for those things that only bill once or twice a year, he should be ok.  Operative word is 'should'.  

At 80, he has some memory issues, and some minor (?) health issues, so while I'll be heading home this coming Monday morning, I'll only be gone for a week to take care of my own personal business, and then come right back for another month, or two, or indefinitely. 

It would be easier if I had great confidence in even one of my four siblings' abilities, but they have jobs and such and can't be here.  I'm not sure yet just how well my dad will do entirely alone even if I can get him on board with processing his own paperwork/bills/checks, and he has no confidence in the other sibs to do the things that need to be done.  Definitely a difficulty of living nearly 900 miles away, but I can be here for now, though it's hard on Marty and Nick.

My daughter will fly in on Sunday afternoon, and drive back with me; I am so looking forward to seeing her, and we're keeping her very brief time with us as a secret surprise to Nick.  We haven't seen her in over three years!